Carlisle Babysits
by BibliophileBoleyn
Summary: Everyone else is gone, and Carlisle is babysitting Renesmee. Hilarity ensues as the three hundred year old grandpa is tortured by his granddaughter.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This was inspired by CullenFreak93. I am just the tool by which her amazing prompts become stories. I was in an idea rut, and she helped me out. This story is also for the users who have me on their favorite author list: twilightlvr252, Mrs Robyn Cullen, Emily loves Edward, Bella Mason-Cullen17, and amyandricky4ever. Thanks to anyone who is reading my stuff, and I hope that you have as much fun reading it as I do writing it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, any of the characters, or the main idea behind this story. I do, however, own some battered copies of the series and half of a New Moon ticket.

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In over three hundred years, Carlisle had never been this confused, not even right after he had been turned into a vampire. He was confused because of his situation: he was alone with his granddaughter, Renesmee, and a destroyed house. Alice had convinced the others that they needed to go out like normal high schoolers, or someone would suspect something was different with them (Carlisle suspected that she just wanted an excuse to play Bella Barbie again, but he was happy to oblige them). Jacob had had to go back to La Push for a few days of tribal ceremonies, and Esme was at an architecture convention in New York, quite a ways from their current home in Alaska.

That left Carlisle to care for Nessie, who seemed to be having fun. The problem was that her fun meant Carlisle's destruction. Never, in the time since she had been born, did he think that his sweet, innocent granddaughter took so much pleasure in seeing him so distraught. With his vampire abilities, you would think that he could stop her, but it seemed that with mischief in mind, she could move twice as fast.

As of right now, he would be running from Alice and Esme when they returned home. Nessie had began the night calmly, falling asleep in his lap as he read to her (_Much Ado About Nothing_). All had been well, until she had woken up. First, she had refused to eat the dinner that Esme had left (which Carlisle really couldn't blame her for, human food was foul enough, but the devil must have developed onions, they burned his vampire sense of smell exponentially). Then, she had wanted to play dress-up. After putting lipstick and blush on Carlisle, she had decided that she didn't want to use any of the dress up wardrobe that Alice had for her (which was an entire wardrobe unto itself-much to Bella's chagrin). No, she wanted to wear Aunt Alice's clothes. Carlisle had stood firm until she pressed her hand to his cheek to show him how happy she could be if he let her do it.

Not one to deny his granddaughter's happiness (how bad could it really be?), he had agreed. Nessie had first pulled at least 50 dresses out of Alice's closet (which, in truth, was a tiny portion), and proceeded to try on and discard every one. Once she was done with the last one, she decided she was mad that none of them looked pretty enough, so she ripped them to shreds, before Carlisle could stop her. Carlisle was about to deter her from going into the garage (he knew not to chance Rosalie's ire), so Nessie had wanted to play in Jasper's study. That had also been aborted when he saw the way she was eying Jasper's swords. He wouldn't want to explain to Jasper why his Confederate flags and uniform was in tatters. Nessie had then apparently decided it was funny to make Grandpa Carlisle almost cry, so she decided to destroy things of the scariest person of the house: Esme. She may seem like the sweet mother, but when it involved the destruction of her home, she was worse than Jane.

Renesmee had began by ripping off carefully placed wall sconces. She was a lot faster than Carlisle thought, and he suddenly believed that she had discovered a new piece of vampire mythology: you can torture a vampire and make it lose its strength without physical pain (though Carlisle was assured that he would have some when the others saw this). Knowing the anger Esme would have at HIM was enough to slow him down to a speed less than Renesmee. It would be a thoroughly new thing to be the one responsible for the destroyed house-that usually fell to the boys. To be on the receiving end of that discussion would be completely different than on the giving end, his usual position.

The next target of the young hybrid's attack was the furniture. The first to go was the antique coffee table that Esme was so proud of. Apparently Renesmee didn't understand the concept of one-of-a-kind (though, out of any of them, she should). The crack of the wood echoed through the otherwise quiet house. Carlisle closed his eyes, as if the block it all out. Why hadn't Esme and he decided to take a few years to travel or something, instead of insisting the family stayed together? Was his career really that important? He opened his eyes to his bronze haired granddaughter smiling wide at him with laughter in her eyes. It wasn't like she was a human child, she knew what she was doing. Even if she was chronologically only a year old, she was much older mentally. He wasn't sure if that was good, or bad (maybe she had been around Emmett too much). He watched her glance around the living room, and something sparked in her eyes. Before she could move again, the front door crashed open and Edward strode in, with the others in tail, and picked up his daughter.

"We're home! Have you been a good girl for grandpa, Renesmee?" he asked, with a smile on his face. The others looked as though they were trying to hide laughter, when finally Jasper's broke through, and they all cracked up. Carlisle was about to shout and ask how a destroyed house was funny, when Edward answered the thought.

"Um, Carlisle, I think you might want to look in a mirror," he said, as Alice pulled one out of her handbag. Carlisle started into it for a minute, and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He still had the makeup on, of course. "Would you like us to try to help with damage control before Esme gets back?" Carlisle nodded, and they immediately dispatched, doing different things. Rosalie and Alice went to the computer immediately to try and find a table like the one Renesmee had destroyed. Emmett was picking up and discarding the shambles of everything, and Jasper was on the phone with the local home improvement store, looking for sconces like the ones she had destroyed. Bella and Edward took Renesmee to her room to talk to her. Carlisle looked around and shook his head. Why had he agreed to this, again?

"Hey, Carlisle, can you come here?" Alice asked sweetly. Carlisle began to walk over, and she snapped a few pictures of his face before he could react. "Sorry, I had to get pictures! But you might want to get that stuff off now, because I think that Jacob will be here in a few minutes." Carlisle decided to not even try to scold her now and wash his face to keep some of his dignity in tack. Sure enough, within minutes, he could hear a car approaching their house, half a mile away. He heard someone approaching the bathroom as he finished and opened the door. It was Bella.

"Carlisle, I'm sorry for what Renesmee did tonight. We'll get the house fixed as soon as possible, I promise," she said.

"I'm sure it isn't your fault, Bella. It's not like you could have seen..." he trailed off as he heard Alice shout from downstairs as the door opened,

"Jacob, you HAVE to see these pictures of Carlisle!"


	2. Outtake

**A/N: This extremely short piece is sort of an outtake from the main story. It is pretty funny, with tons of dialouge packed into 525 words, and I hope that you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I may not own Twilight, but I do own the idea for what makes Edward run into the house. Enjoy!**

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The six vampires sat across the frozen stream that was three hundred yards behind the Cullen house. In front of them sat four laptops, each with a different video camera stream on it. They were almost rolling with silent laughter as they watched the scene unfold inside their home. Renesmee was applying makeup to Carlisle's face.

"Bella, Edward, you have the greatest child in the world," Emmett said through laughter.

"Doesn't anyone feel the least bit sorry for him?" Bella asked.

"Nope," Jasper said. The already knew no true harm could come from this, just as Alice had predicted. That was why she had staged this little outing, she had saw the result. It was too priceless for any of them to put a stop to, so they just watched in glee.

"She's going for Alice's clothes next," Edward said.

"She'll rip up a bunch of dresses. Just another excuse to shop," said Alice. Bella rolled her eyes.

"Like you need an excuse," she said.

"Of course not. Who could wait for an excuse to shop?" Alice asked in mock outrage. Carlisle made a thoughtful expression as Nessie pressed her hand to his check, causing Edward to literally fall over in laughter.

"What did she show him?" Bella asked, curious as to what her daughter would show him to make Carlisle let her play with Alice's clothes.

"She..." he tried, breaking up with laughter, "she showed him how ecstatic she would be and how much fun she would have if she could dress like Aunt Alice!"

"That is hilarious and evil," Emmett said. "I think we taught her well, Jasper." Renesmee quickly tried on and destroyed the clothes.

"She wants to go to the garage, but Carlisle is too scared of Rosalie to let her. Now she wants to go to Jasper's study," Edward said, giving a commentary on the thoughts behind the actions on screen.

"My perfect little niece wouldn't hurt anything of mine," Jasper said confidently.

"She has you completely wrapped around her little finger, Jazz!" Alice said. Jasper shook his head in refutation.

"Jasper, you act like she never does anything wrong. You don't see anything past the little curls and big, brown eyes," Rosalie said.

"Even as her father, knowing she thoroughly is perfect in every way, Jasper, I have to agree with them," Edward said. Bella nodded in agreement. Suddenly Edward's mouth widened to an O and he said, "He just admitted that Esme was scarier than Jane when she was upset about her house."

"Well, he's right," Emmett said sullenly, speaking from experience. They watched as the little creature that they adored destroyed parts of their house. Suddenly, Edward's head snapped toward the house.

"Come on, let's put a stop to this now. We've had our fun, and we can still get pictures," he said, already moving towards the house. Jasper gave an inquiring glance toward Alice as he felt her spike in amusement and Edward's panic.

"She's getting ready to go for the piano," Alice explained, laughing.


End file.
